Trapped in the Closet Chapter 1

Seven o'clock in the evening
Watchin somethin' stupid on TV
I'm zoned out on the sofa
When my wife comes in the room and sees meAnd she says, Is this 'Behind the Music'
With Lynyrd Skynyrd?"
And I say, "I don't know, say, it's gettin' late
What cha wanna do for dinner?She says, "I kinda had a big lunch
So I'm not super hungry"
I said, "Well you know, baby
I'm not starvin' either but I could eat"She said, "So what do you have in mind?"
I said, "I don't know, what about you?"
She says, "I don't care, if you're hungry let's eat"
I said, "That's what we're gonna do!""But first you gotta tell me
What it is you're hungry for!"
And she says, "Let me think
What's left in our refrigerator?"I said, "Well, there's tuna, I know"
She said, "That went bad a week ago!"
I said, "Is the chili okay?"
She said, "You finished that yesterday!"I hopped up and I said, "I don't know
Do you want to get something delivered?"
She's like, "Why would I want to eat liver?
I don't even like liver!"I'm like, "No, I said 'delivered' "
She's like, "I heard you say liver!"
I'm like, "I should know what I said"
She's like, "Whatever, I just don't want any liver!"Well, I was gonna say something
But my cell phone started to ring
Now who could be callin' me?
Well I checked my caller IDIt was just cousin Larry callin'
For the third time today
My wife said, "Let it go to voicemail"
I said, "Okay""Where were we? Oh, dinner, right
So what do you wanna do?"
She said, "Why don't you whip up somethin in the kitchen?"
"Yeah?" I said, "Why don't you?"And then she says
"Baby, can't we just go out to dinner, please?"
I says no, she says yes, I says no, she says yes
I says no, she says yes, oh, here's your keys"I step a little bit closer
Say, "Okay, where ya wanna go?"
She says, "How about The Ivy?"
I said, "Yeah, well I don't know"I don't feel like, gettin all dressed up
And eatin' expensive food
She's says, "Olive Garden?"
I say, "Nah, I'm not in the moodAnd Burrito King would make me gassy
There's no doubt"
She says, "Just forget about it"
I said, "No, I swear I'm gonna take you out!"Then I get an idea
I say, "I know what we'll do!"
She says, "What?" I say, "Guess"
She says, "What?" I say, "We're goin' to the drive-thru!"So we head out the front door
Open the garage door
Then I open the car doors
And we get in those car doorsPut my key in the ignition
And then I turn it sideways
Then we fasten our seat belts
As we pull out the drivewayThen we drive to the drive-thru
Heading off to the drive-thru
We're approaching the drive-thru
Getting close to the drive-thruAlmost there at the drive-thru
Now we're here at the drive thru
Here in line at the drive-thru
Did I mention the drive-thru?Well, here we are in the drive-thru line
Me and her
Cars in front of us, cars in back of us
All just waiting to orderThere's some idiot in a Volvo
With his brights on behind me
I lean out the window and scream
"Hey, what cha tryin to do, blind me?"My wife says, "Maybe we should park
We could just go eat inside"
I said, "I'm wearin' bunny slippers
So I ain't leavin' this ride"Now a woman on a speaker box
Is sayin', "Can I take your order, please?"
I said, "Yes indeed, you certainly can
We'd like two hamburgers with onions and cheese"Then my wife says
"Baby, hold on, I've changed my mind!
I think I'm gonna have a chicken sandwich
Instead this time"I said, "You always get a cheeseburger!"
She says, "That's not what I'm hungry for"
I put my head in my hands and scream
"I don't know who you are anymore!"The voice on the speaker says
"I don't have all day!"
I said, "Then take our order
And we'll be on our way!"I wanna get a chicken sandwich
And I want a cheeseburger too"
She's like, "You want onions on that?"
I'm like, "Yeah, I already said that I doPlus we need curly fries
And don't you dare forget it
And two medium root beers
No, just one, we'll split it"Then I said, "I'm guessin' that
You're probably not too bright
So read me back my order
Let's make sure you got it right"She says, "One, you want a chicken sandwich
Two, you want a cheeseburger
Three, curly fries and a large root beer"
"Stop, don't go no further!""I never ordered a large root beer
I said medium, not large!"
Then she says, "We're havin' a special
I super-sized you at no charge""Oh"
And that's all I could say was "oh"
And she says, "Now theres somethin' else
That I really think you should knowYou can have unlimited refills
For just a quarter more"
I say, "Great, except we're in the drive-thru
So what would I want that for?"Then she says, "Wait a minute
Your voice sounds so familiar, hey, is this Paul?
And my wife is all like, "No, that ain't Paul
Now tell me, who's this Paul?She says, "Oh, he's just some guy
Who goes to school with me
I sat behind him last year
And I copied off of him in GeometryI said, "I know a guy named Paul
He used to be my plumber
He was prematurely bald
And he moved to Pittsburgh last summerHe also had bladder problems
And a really bad infection on his toe"
And she says, "Mister, please, you can stop right there
That's way more than I needed to know!"And then we both were quiet
And things got real intense
And then she says, "Next window please,
That'll be five dollars and eighty two cents"So we inched ahead in line
Movin' painfully slow
I got a little bored
So I turned on the radioClick, turned it off
Because my wife was getting a headache
So we both just sat there quietly
For her sakeThen I looked at her
And she looked back at me
And I said, "Um
I think you have somethin' in your teeth"She turned away from me
And then turned back and said, "Did I get it?"
I said, "Yeah, well, I mean, most of it
But hey, ya know, don't sweat it"Then she said, "How about now?"
I said, "Yeah, almost
There's still a little bit there but don't worry
It's probably just a piece of toast"Now we're at the pay window
Or whatever you call it
Put my hand in my pocket
I can't believe there's no wallet!And the lady at the window's like
"Well well well, that'll be five eighty-two"
I turn around to my wife and say
"How much have you got on you?"She just rolls her eyes and says
"I'll pay for this I guess"
So she reaches into her purse
And busts out the American ExpressI hand it to the lady
And she says, "Oh dear
It's gotta be cash only
We don't take credit cards here"I took back the card and said
"Gee, really? Well that sucks!"
And that's when I found out
My wife was only carryin' three bucksI said, "I thought you were
Going to hit the ATM today"
She says, "I never got around to it
So where's your wallet anyway?And I said, "Nevermind
Just help me to find some change"
Now the lady at the window
Is looking at me kinda strangeAnd she says, "Mister, please
We gotta move this line along"
I said, "Now hold your stinkin' horses lady
We won't be long"So I looked around inside the glove box
And checked the mat beneath my feet
I found a nickel in an ashtray
And a couple pennies and a dime in the space between the seatsBefore long I had a little pile
Of coins of every sort
The lady counts it up and says
"You're still about a dollar short"And now my woman's got this weird look
Frozen on her face
She screams, "You know
I wasn't even really hungry in the first place"And so I turned around
To the cashier again
I shrugged and said, "Okay
Forget the chicken sandwich then"So I pick up my change
Pick up my receipt
And I drive to the pickup window
Man, I just can't wait to eatAnd now we see this acne ridden
Kid about sixteen
Wearin' a dorky nametag that says
"Hello, my name is Eugene"And he hands me a paper bag
I look him in the eyes
And I say to him "Hey, Eugene
Could I get some ketchup for my fries?"Well he looks at me
And I look at him
And he looks at me
And I look at himAnd he looks at me
And I look at him
And he says, "I'm sorry
What did you want again?"I say, "Ketchup!"
And he says, "Oh yeah, that's right
I just spaced out there for a second
I'm really kind of burnt tonight"And then he hands me the ketchup
And then we're finally drivin' away
And the food is drivin' me mad
With its intoxicating bouquetI'm starvin' to death
By the time we pull up at the traffic light
I say, "Baby, gimme that burger
I just gotta have a bite!"So she reaches in the bag
And pulls out the burger
And she hands me the burger
And I pick up the burgerAnd then I unwrap the paper
I bite into those buns
And I just can't believe it
They forgot the onions!